Surrender

Did you ever feel you were up against the wall with yourself? That something had to shift so you could move on to the next phase, but you just didn’t know how to make it happen?

That’s how it’s been for me in regards to writing. For years I’ve had books “waiting to be written” in my space. Calling to me. Asking to come through. Saying NOW.  I’ve gotten excited, organized and begun the project many times, saying to myself with great clarity, “this is exactly what I’m supposed to be doing.”

And just as soon I’d get rolling, I’d stop. The scope and enormity of what I was doing would come over me and I’d become blocked in overwhelm. Trapped in the overview, I’ve felt over and over again, “This is just too big. I can’t do it. And if I’m going to do it, I need help.”

But stopping never resolved anything. The problem is – when I stop writing, the books don’t go away. They wait.

Many books are waiting for me.

I finally realized that I’m pregnant, pregnant with books. They’ve been patient with me, these book spirits, trusting that some day I’ll nurture and feed them. They know it’s their destiny to grow, develop and eventually be born. I’ve felt the fullness of them and heard their calls for many years. I’ve denied them their birthright, and they’re finally loosing their patience.

So, up against the wall within, I surprised myself and surrendered. In public. It happened at the end of a talk I recently gave. “Where can I get the book?” people asked. “Can I have your notes?” I realized I needed to write the book of that talk. How could I not? The entire outline was in my hands. I found myself asking the community for help.

And that very night, in the audience, sat my midwife.

We all need midwives in our lives at various times. When we buy a new home, we have our realtor midwife. If we’re lucky, we have a good car mechanic midwife. For our spiritual evolution, we can count on our healer midwife. And when we’re pregnant, we’re in the traditional domain of the midwife, one who assists with the growth and birth of babies.

A midwife is wise. She knows, sees and can hold the entirety of a space, whatever it might be. She gently, and sometimes firmly, guides us through an important process, phase or task in our life.

The universe gifted me with a midwife, and I’m grateful. She knows, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that helping me is part of her path. She’s experienced in her role. She understands my work and intentions for writing and is willing to be in partnership with me. I like and respect her.

My midwife is teaching me how to nourish the spirit of the book, from its already conceived beingness to its eventual completion. Its birth into form.

To begin, I’ve had to decide which book wanted to be born first. I think I must have taken fertility medications because there are at least triplets or quadruplets in there. I checked in with all of them, and luckily, the answer was quite clear. Then my midwife gave me a task. What a gift! Just one job at a time. No more overwhelm; she’s holding the space – in the present and for what’s to come – and I can yield to her guidance and wisdom and focus on one aspect of writing at a time. She sees the bigger picture, and this allows me to rest comfortably in the microcosm.

My present assignment is to become clear about my purpose and intention and how I’ll achieve them for you, my future readers – the community I’m hoping will embrace my “baby.”

Poco a poco, as they say in Spanish. Little by little. I hit the wall and surrendered. And in my surrender, the universe responded. I call that grace. When you think of me, see me nurturing my little one, my first “book baby.” I’ll grow her at a steady pace every day, and eventually she’ll be complete and ready for birth. Out of my womb of creativity and into our global community. I’m hoping my pregnancy and labor are relatively easy. However it all goes, I have my midwife, as well as my faith and trust in the process of Life.

Oh!! My midwife’s name is Mary, and the book is about Spiritual Healing. Of course.

Welcome to my first Blog entry.